BUTTON-UPS

    Look, I respect zippers. I really do. They're fast, they're easy, they remind me of my ex. But they're also dangerous, they get jammed up easily and don't always stay where they ought to be. How many countless lives have been destroyed because their fly was low during an important moment? Billions, probably. Maybe more? Nobody knows! The tyrannical zipper industry has kept the truth buttoned up! Plus, according to an infographic I read in a dream once, zippers were invented in the depths of hell, which I think they've since renamed to 'Winnipeg.'  

     On the other hand, buttons can be slow, sure, but they're also reliable. Buttons are dependable. Is it true that some glaciers move quicker than it can often take to do-up buttons? Yes. But the loyalty, dependability and frankly, the sex appeal of a fresh set of crisp buttons confidently glimmering in the morning sun while the Canadian anthem blares loudly in the background, half in English and half in French (in accordance with Canadian Federal laws) are what makes buttons the obvious choice for any serious clothes wearer. So choose buttons, or zip it!

By people, for people, and with absolutely no connection to Winnipeg; that's buttons, baby!