'𝘌𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘥 𝘊𝘪𝘵𝘺' Hoodie

    Emerald City! Also known as Glitter Town, The Plutonium Palace, and The Glowing Grotto. It's the capital city of Oz, a fictional land that first appeared in L. Frank Baum's 1900 smash-hit The Wizard of Oz, which was then followed by ~90 other books published consistently throughout the 20th and 21st century by Baum and, after his death, books were then written by various 'successors,' aka big fat phonies! It's worth noting that Emerald City was founded on, and epitomizes, the notion of a "shining city on a hill," a phrase made popular by Jesus of Nazareth, then later stolen & repackaged by Ronald Reagan of California. Not only does Emerald City shine metaphorically, but literally as well which feels obvious given it was constructed entirely with, you guessed it... iron ore! Just kidding, it's emeralds. Side note: did you know Emerald City is the sister city to the lesser known, but just as uncreatively named, Sapphire City (I wonder what it's made from?)

     The irony (pun very much intended) of building a city from emeralds is that the engineers would've been giving up this minor little thing called 'structural integrity' for... a gimmick; I was going to say 'beauty' or 'aesthetics' instead of 'gimmick' but an entire city that looks like tacky bathroom decor only a blind coke dealer from 1950 would appreciate is neither of those words. Emerald stones are notorious for having fissures that render them prone to cracking, and so any emerald that gets sold in stores or in jewelry must first undergo heavy modifications & treatment procedures that require the application of various oils to give it a smooth & clear appearance. Imagine finding a crack in a subterranean parking garage of a modern high rise building and then overhearing an engineer say "just oil it up, it's as good as new!" It wouldn't matter how many free pilates classes the leasing office says they'll throw in, you absolutely shouldn't buy that condo (unless they throw in some free back massages and acupuncture as well because, c'mon, you'd be an idiot not to take that deal!)

    In the end, emeralds are a mirage, much like diamonds, rubies, sapphire & jade, they're shiney rocks we collectivly decided have value just so our ancestors could use them as a status symbol. Literally every community does this, normies on Tiktok gawk at the various Labubus dangling from a celebrities burkin bag, incels show off their crusty waifu body pillows to eachother, and sickos like me brag about how many pieces of recycled trash were used in the hand-sewn speedo I made my dog last year on his birthday (fyi it was seven,  seven pieces of recycled trash). People dont care if any of this is rational, or the feasibility of this behavior over time, and absolutely nobody cares about the science behind these shiney green stones other than geologists and frankly, they're all perverts. What people care about is the aspirationally coded status those shiny rocks can offer. We want the loft in the emerald high-rise even if the average live span of residents is 3 weeks, we want the brightly colored jewelry without some Greenpeace activist who spent 100k on grad school only to then go live in a tent in Nicaragua to save a rare species of green peas or something who drones on and on about 'unsafe working conditions'. Tell that activist, "Get lost Heather! Your dad's a congressmen and your mom's an underwater basket weaver, if I ever want a lesson on how to be unlikable, I'll call!" But the thing that people want most of all, the thing each of us desires more than anything else, is to be the first of our friends to have discovered a rare, little, priceless gem. 💚 

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     An intricately paneled & patchwork hoodie with matching prints on the torso and sleeves, a large hood & drawstring, and every shade of cyan under the sun. Cozy, comfy, and countless pieces of thick green cotton.

    Tax free. 1 of 1. Unisex. Fits comfortably loose. 100% cotton. Made in Canada.

Size: XL

Measurements
    • Length: 24"
    • Pit to pit: 23"