'𝘖𝘳𝘣 𝘊𝘰𝘳𝘦' Patchwork Sweater

    "Council of Earth!" said the General, standing firmly at attention, "at 0500 hours a deep space surveying satellite began tracking a neon blue orb of suspected intelligent origin as it entered our solar system from somewhere beyond the trans-neptunian region of the oort cloud & collided directly with one of Saturn's moons shattering it to bits"

     "Which moon?!" Yelled a female council member sitting in the center row who'd come to this emergency meeting of global leaders & dignitaries directly from an anime conference accross town & was in head-to-toe Naruto cosplay.

     "Uh" muttered the General, "maybe Dione, possibly Mimas, the telemetry data requires further analysis before we can be certain." By now the General not only had his legs crossed, he also held both hands over his groin & was hobbling repeatedly from his left foot to his right in a cartoonish gesture that made it comically obvious to onlookers that he really had to pee.

    "Not Mimas!" Shouted one of the lower ranking junior members who stood so unnecessarily far back he was basically outside.

        "Look, we all love Mimas but please, hold your questions, remarks, sarcastic gestures, card tricks, farts & gasps until the end" said the General while zipping up his pants, having finally given up on holding his blatter and, in what would later be remembered as an incredible 'power move,' had decided to simply pee in the corner of the room where he & the council were currently holding their discussion. He continued, "what we do know, however, is that the resulting debris was projected towards Earth at a fixed speed of 185 miles per second suggesting some unknown force of propulsion. Unfortunately, most of that debris was catapulted into the Sun after being whipped around like a rock in a sling by our planets gravitational pull, and the rest was incinerated in our atmosphere, that is, all but this artifact here. A team of space marines was dispatched from our top secret orbital platform & managed to recover it 1500 miles above Tokyo after it smashed through three reconnaissance satellites without its trajectory being altered even 0.1 degrees suggesting a heavy & dense core. A team of top scientists from every continent have studied it extensively and despite spending $1.7 billion on every test imaginable, they've been unable to draw anything conclusive, except for one thing..."

    "What is it g-g-general?" Sputtered an elderly member of the council sitting in the front row.

    The general paused, looked down at his pants and noticed a few embarrassingly large & obvious wet spots, "is that piss?!" he said, forgetting for just a split second that he was wearing a live mic that broadcasted his booming voice to not only the room full of respected leaders he was currently standing in but also to the buildings P.A. system, carrying his voice to every adjacent room as well. "Uh sorry about that folks, I guess that old saying is right huh? You know the one..." he said, beginning to sing, "🎶no matter how much you shake and dance, the last few drops end up in your pants🎶, you know its kind of funny how..."

    "TELL US ABOUT THE DAMN SPACE ORB, YOU BAFOON!" Shouted the elderly man, his face turning red as he began to stand, adding "the last remaining artifact, what about it? What do we need to know?!"

    "Oh" said the General, "Well, what you need to know is, is, uh, what you need to know is, that it's, it's, uh geez, uh, what you need to know is, uh... it's fucking sick."

    Everyone present let out a loud & percectly synchronized gasp. 

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   A cropped, acid washed, neon blue & grey patchwork crewneck sweater. Unisex. Fits true to size. 100% cotton. Made in Canada.

Size: Medium - Large

Measurements:
    • Length: 23"
    • Pit to pit: 26"